New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions are about making changes.

One’s we say we really want,

yet for some reason so often do not achieve.

 The real difficulty in making a change, fulfilling a New Year’s Resolution, is ensuring there is alignment between your resolution and all aspects of yourself.   Without alignment you will be fighting yourself, until you give up.  This process undermines your confidence and personal power.

Successful changes start with alignment.   That is with every aspect of yourself on the same side, just like any team.  Ensuring alignment within you is just like negotiating with any team.   You need to clarify the goal and understand everyone’s perspective of it.   The difference being it’s your innermost team that you are negotiating with.   It is so important to understand that you have these innermost aspects, your values, needs, desires, beliefs and previous decisions.

While some of your innermost aspects are the same for all humans, many more are personal and individual.   You need to be aware of the different aspects, how they impact on each of your goals, intentions, in order to negotiate alignment.   To do that it is essential you take ownership of your life.   Here I am referring to the ability to distinguish your own beliefs, needs and desires, from someone else’s.  That is, those that we have taken on, rather than what we want and accept as our own.

The things you believe you ‘should’ and ‘ought’ to do are those that you have learnt you are suppose to do and want. They are not necessarily what you really want to do.   When this is or could be the situation it is important to examine the aspect and consider if you want to keep or replace it, which might sound easy.   Unfortunately one core belief is we ought to do the ‘right’ thing and what we ‘ought’ and ‘should’ do are presented as the ‘right things’.

 Doing the ‘right’ thing seems like a brilliant idea to me.

Indeed our very survival can depend on us doing the ‘right’ thing.

But what is the ‘right’ thing?  Especially what is the ‘right’ thing for you as an individual?   A second core unfortunate learning many of us we have is the idea that what we, as an individual’, want is ‘wrong’ and or ‘bad’.   As a consequence we prefer to tackle what we ‘ought’ and ‘should’ do because we do have the higher priority to do the ‘right’ thing and survive!

 But what if what we want is not ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’?

 What if it is more that we haven’t found, yet, a ‘right’ way to do it.

 I LOVE the ad in which a little boy was always pushing his sister.   How bad and wrong is that right!  His parents really struggled with the situation; the boy just had such a drive to push his sister, that he kept doing it no matter how much his parents tried to stop him. Then his parents got creative and brought a swing.

The boy pushed and pushed and pushed his sister,

what was initially thought to be bad and wrong.

Yet now everyone was happy!

 

The difference was that his drive,

his desire had been guided in a productive direction,

a way that lead everyone to be happy.

 So I ask: What if the issue for you to have what you really want, to successful achieve your New Year’s Resolution, is simply you haven’t learnt how to be creative enough, or patient enough to explore your desires and their value?   What if what the first step is to give your self permission to go for what you want, in a respectful and caring way?  And listen to your innermost communication so you can set goals and intentions that align all your aspects…

 Happy New Year Everyone!

May 2017 be a year of Expanding Creativity and

Respectful Satisfactions all round!

The Value of Clear Articulation:

One of the reasons enhancing communication skills is so valuable.

Once upon a time, I was deeply loved and I loved that man in return with sooo much of my heart. Yet I was young. My communication skills were poor and at the time I did not know it.   We had a positive relationship seeing each other often and enjoying each others company significantly. Not everything was ideal, as described by society, due to an aspect of his nature. Yet, due to my nature, I was comfortable with what many were not. To me it was just part of who he was.

There came a time when he was going through a rather rough patch, the loss of three he loved as dearly as me, indeed likely more so. Thinking of my acceptance he stated ‘you would accept anything I did’. I knew, instantly in my bones, this was not true. But had no way of articulating it. I needed space to think it through. I got up to move away. He begged me to stay. I could not, nor could I say why. I had no words for what was happening inside of me. The situation spiralled into disaster so fast, so very fast. I do not know how. But our relationship was so broken in the moment it was suddenly over. My inability to clearly speak my truth, at the time, meant there was enormous damage and no way to repair it.

More recently another love breached a boundary such I needed us to be separated. He was so cross, so very cross. Yet I was able to clearly articulate the ‘why’. I do not know if all the damage can be repaired but this time I know I was clear and the choice is his. It is only now that I can see what went wrong that other horrendous time. The pain between the two situations is so different.

In the first it was a pain that ripped me apart to the very core of my being. I was broken, deeply broken. This time I see with clarity the ‘why’, the value in standing by my truth and in being able to speak it. It still hurts. A lot. This hurt is a great sadness rather than a breaking. It is a strengthening that comes from being true to oneself while respecting another.

The key for me is the choice that comes from clarity of my truth and expressing it. In knowing my highest values and living by them. Knowing our truth, our values means we can choose to live by them and articulate them so others can choose to live by them or not. With out this we toss around not understanding our pain or how to reduce it. The pain of not knowing, of tossing around on someone else’s boat is horrendous; I know I have lived it.

As a consequence, I highly recommend that you stop and take the time to identify your core values and truth, so you can live true to yours.