Forget Forgive and Forget its Wrong!

To forgive and forget implies we forgive someone his or her transgression(s) or mistake(s) and then let it go.  This is how transgressions and mistakes reoccur and can easily lead to escalation of the issue.  If you want growth and development this is wrong!  Especially as there are constructive alternatives.

The appropriate alternative depends on the situation and individual’s roles and responsibilities within the relationship.  To select the most appropriate response to a transgression it is important to consider the type of relationship, the individuals’ awareness and ability to meet the expectation, as well as situational requirements.

First start with the relationship.  Clarify is it an equitable relationship, where individual’s are considered to have equal power and input?  Or is a hierarchical one, with positional power differences?

In the case of true equitable relationship then the first, as always, step is to check if the expectation being transgressed is clearly articulated and agreed upon.

There is no way of getting around the reality that most, if not all, individuals are not mind readers and we can only live up to and reasonably be held accountable for expectations we are clearly aware of.  Thus if expectations in an equitable relationship are not clearly articulated and agreed upon doing so is the first process that needs to be carried out when a transgression has occurred.

To clearly articulate each expectation, it needs to be considered from the point of view of it being realistic.  It is not realistic to expect someone to go without food for a week.  It is not realistic to expect someone to do tasks they don’t have the ability to do or aren’t clear of what the task requirements are.  That is the expectation needs to be doable and clearly described.  Does everyone know what is required and have the ability, personal knowledge and skills to do it?  Do they have a supportive system and environment?  Do they have the required resources?

When any of these are not fulfilled then ‘Forgive and EMPOWER’ by enhancing the system, providing the resources and develop the required knowledge and skills.

Finally is the expectation really agreed upon?   Is it necessary to negotiate or renegotiate the agreement or adjust the expectation so all parties really agree. Full agreement empowers individuals’ to live up to agreements and expectations.

In the case of hierarchical relationship its important to fulfil and then go beyond these steps.  It is important to be aware and remember those who are in positions of power are responsible for the wellbeing and development of those in their care.  Yes in their care.

If you are in a position of power it is not simply a matter of saying ‘do this because I say so’.  It is a requirement that you enable those you have a position of power over, those who you are responsible for, are able to do the tasks that they are required to do whilst maintaining their wellbeing.  Occupational Health and Safety Laws so say!   You are responsible for their safety and wellbeing.

If you are in a position of power you are responsibility for ensuring those under your command are able to do the required tasks.   This means: clarity of expectations, the tasks and timelines; provision of the required resources, including systems, materials and time; and development of required knowledge and skills; training.  This is a foundational responsibility of positional power roles, whether as a parent, supervisor, manager or CEO.  This means when transgressions occur the person with greater positional power needs to ‘Forgive and EMPOWER!  Not forgive and forget.

Start by considering the reason for the transgression.  Is it due to lack of ability, inadequate system support, inadequate resources, knowledge or silks, or perhaps a combination?

The person(s) with lessor power have the responsibility to ‘Forgive and Learn’, to EMPOWER themselves.

Finally it is also important to consider the possibility of a mismatch?  That is if an individual doesn’t match the requirements of the role and appropriate development is not realistic.  In which case adjusting the team, partnership, maybe the most appropriate alternative.

In short when a transgression has occurred take into account the type of relationship and roles and responsibilities within the relationship.  Consider the ability to meet the expectation and empower to enhance the ability to meet it where possible.  In this way to ‘Forgive and EMPOWER’ promotes growth and increased satisfaction within relationships.  Rather than continued transgression, with possible escalation, that commonly results from forgive and forget.

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Distinguishing Challenging, Difficult and Toxic Conversations!

Reading about ‘difficult’ conversations or people can be quite confusing.  This is because the term is used too broadly.  By that I mean the topic covers a broad range of conversation types.  I break difficult conversation into four distinct types.  It is important to distinguish them, as they require different communication and self-protection strategies in order to have effective communication.

The first type is what I refer to as the ‘Challenging Conversation’.  I bet you have had a few of these.  This is when you, or the other, are emotionally aroused, specifically to the point where you can no longer think effectively.   You know that time your emotions got the better of you and well, quite frankly it didn’t turn out too good.   After all you are usually a really caring and considerate person, but in this case…   The two key characteristics of challenging conversations are emotional overload and infrequency. That is, the upset person is usually cooperative and considerate.

The second is when this this type of reaction and other uncooperative communication strategies have become habitual.  At some level you care, but well these techniques, for one reason or another, work and you don’t have a better way to achieve your intention. Such techniques include carrying on, intimidating, asserting your right, manipulating or some other means of control.  Alternatively it might be that you are just too tired or stressed out to do anything else.

On the other hand perhaps you are trying to figure out how to have decent conversation with someone like this and are getting nowhere.  In some way it is accepted that ‘power over’ conversations are, well, the ‘way it is’ even if we don’t like it.  Or perhaps you don’t even realise this is what is going on.  This is what I call the ‘Difficult Conversation’ habitually it ‘sort of works’, short term anyway.   However it would be nice if there was a better way.

Finally we come to the ‘Toxic Conversations’.  I break ‘Toxic Conversations’ into two groups.   One group has accepted the use of ‘power over’ or ‘controlling’ conversations as the best way to be.  This group has decided to use power over communication, whether consciously or not.  This is different to ‘Difficult Conversations’; where it is habitual practice, however change is a possibility.  There is openness to improving communication skills.  In the ‘Toxic Conversation’ that is not the case the ‘power over’ and ‘controlling’ communication strategies are accepted as ‘best practice’.

The second type of ‘Toxic Conversation’ is with people who are biologically quite different; there was no real choice or decision on their part.  They are just that way.  They don’t care about anything but their own satisfaction.

It is really important to recognise the different conversation types, as you need to use very different communication and self-protection strategies for each type.  If you use the wrong strategy it can cause more harm than good.  And this is happening all too frequently, as many individuals’ aren’t aware of the different communication styles.  Let alone how to distinguish them.

Note I consider it important to use the word ‘conversation’, rather than ‘people’, in our day-to-day life.  This is because as we are usually so poorly taught cooperative and constructive communication skills we often find foundational conversations ‘difficult’.  I refer to discussing certain ‘topics’, differences of opinions and perspectives, providing feedback and accountability conversations.  These types of conversations are not difficult within and of themselves, once we have the skills.  This means there is a potential that a ‘conversation’ is ‘difficult’ related to our skills rather than the ‘other’. Worse if we decide it is ‘them’ we feel justified in doing nothing; we can blame ‘them’. This doesn’t help.  Change is within our own hands.

As a consequence while it is important to learn to make the distinctions between the types of difficult conversations it is also important to maintain personal responsibility and empowerment.   Thus for starters I recommend one learn

  • To distinguish between cooperative and controlling communication strategies.
  • Get comfortable with all your emotions so you can recognise emotional overload from a controlling strategy.
  • To consider if you are the ‘difficult’ individual in the conversation.
  • Consider what your current communication skill level is and more specifically are you operating within it?
  • To extract yourself from any conversation that YOU are finding ‘difficult’ in order to consider what YOU want to achieve in the conversation, if indeed you want to have it.
  • To select your environment and the people you spend your time with.

I will address each of these points in future articles.

Responding to accusations of being a Bully!

The 10th of October is Mental Health Day!

Thus now is an ideal time to consider the issue of bullying.

Anti-bullying campaigns are everywhere these days.  And rightly so!  Bullying has a significant negative impact on mental health and numerous other aspects of life. However the anti-bullying programs appear to be lacking in effectiveness, as bullying is still a major issue for our society.

Part of this relates to issues around the commonly used definition of bullying which makes it relatively easy for ‘bullies’ to get away with their actions.  I suspect the intention behind the issues is to protect people from inaccurately being accused.  It is more effective to discuss what you can do when accused of being a ‘bully’ and you genuinely are not one?

The Australian Human Rights Commission (2017) states:

‘Bullying is when people repeatedly and intentionally use words or actions against someone or a group of people to cause distress and risk to their wellbeing.  These actions are usually done by people who have more influence or power over someone else, or who want to make someone else fell less powerful or helpless.’

The major issue with the definition when it states to intentionally…cause distress and risk to their wellbeing.  This is purely because individuals say  ‘I didn’t intend to distress them or risk their wellbeing’  ‘I did not intent to bully’.

As a result, too often, they get away with inappropriate behavior.  Individuals involve rarely intend to be a ‘bully’.  They don’t want the label.  And often there is no intent to ‘do harm or risk wellbeing’, simply because the idea may not have cross their minds. They are not thinking about the other at all.

What they are thinking of and do intend is to ‘have their own way’.  The do intend to use fear to gain control over others.  They do intend to use their, actual or perceived, position of power to ensure what they want is achieved.  They may intend to ‘get back’ at the perceived injustice that someone ‘would not go along with their wishes’ or ‘made them look bad’, for having done a perceived wrong.  These are the intentions of a ‘bully’.  These intentions result in the intimidating and coercive behaviors that cause the distress and risk to wellbeing.

Another, more useful, definition of Bullying is:

‘the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behaviour is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict (Juvonen, J. Graham, S., 2014).

Fully fledged bullies, while denying they are bullies, know they are doing the wrong thing.  Their timing and sneakiness indicates this.  They behave differently in front of others, especially those they perceive as having more power than themselves.  They hide and actively deny their actions.   Yet they believe they have the right to do as they do.

At the same time it does happen that people feel they are being bullied, treated inappropriately, when it is genuinely not intended.   Yet regardless of the intention when it is experienced as bullying the same negative impact can occur and it is important to deal constructively with the incident.  These situations maybe because:

The accused has poor relationship or communication skills or

The target’s individual perspective

Resulting in misunderstandings.

This reality highlights the need to remember that ‘Bullying usually is a relationship issue and thus relationship solutions are recommended’ (National Centre Against Bullying, 2017).  At the same time there is a limit to the potential effectiveness of relationship solutions.

If there is no mutuality in the relationship discussing the issue in the relationship is not likely to work.  Too often it only makes things worse for cooperative individuals. Someone who believes they have rights of dominance may ‘go along’ with the ‘orders’ from the higher power, but they are also likely to find another way to achieve their intention.   This escalates rather than resolves the issue.   In such cases further protective action is required on behalf of the ‘other’ or ‘target’.   These situations are not the focus of this article.

Today we look at when there is no intention of bullying, or harm, or force and there is respectful mutuality in the relationship.  In these situations the way to respond to accusations of bullying is very simple: Listen and then ADDE value.

You need to Listen to the accusation and accept that is the others experience, despite your intention. Respond to their experience.

Apologise this lets the other now you didn’t mean for them to experience what they did. This action also reminds you that you have made a mistake and need to take corrective action, even if it was only to increase awareness of the others perspective.

Demonstrate your good will by reassuring the other. This includes: addressing their concerns; explaining your intention; where appropriate explain the policies and procedures you are following; and ask for and carry out suitable actions to repair the harm. It may take time to build or rebuild trust.

Discuss the situation until both parties are clear and comfortable with the intention of the communication and relationship.

Enhance your skills in order to prevent a similar situation occurring again. It is very important to follow through. Where required, ensure skill development occurs.

If you have been accused of being a ‘bully’ first be honest with yourself, do you think you have the right to dictate to others?  Or perhaps you have a right to ‘get even’?  Do you treat those you perceive as having more power than yourself differently to those who you perceive to have less power than yourself?   If neither of these is the case and your intention is for a mutually respectful relationship, an appropriate response to an accusation of bullying is to Listen and ADDE value.

 

Australian Human Rights Commission NA What is bullying? https://www.humanrights.gov.au/what-bullying-violence-harassment-and-bullying-fact-sheet accessed 8th October 2017

Juvonen, J.; Graham, S. (2014). “Bullying in Schools: The Power of Bullies and the Plight of Victims”. Annual Review of Psychology. Annual Reviews. 65: 159–85. PMID 23937767doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115030.   Via https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

National Centre Against Bullying Definition of Bullying https://www.ncab.org.au/bullying-advice/bullying-for-parents/definition-of-bullying/ accessed 8th October 2017

 

Living Your Values

These days there is a lot of talk about living your values.   How to live them is less discussed. Today I will share with you four keys to being able to live your values effectively.   Living your values is the most powerful way to communicate them to others.

To live your values effectively you first need to identify your personal values.

That is, what is important to you, not what others tell you is important. I repeat, what is important to YOU. What is it that matters to you the absolute most? What is it that makes life worth living for you? Select one, two or three things that you would be willing to give your all for.   What brings joy into your day?

For some people a value could be a principle such as honesty.   For others it could be groups or interactions for example their family. Yet others may find a practice or object could be what does it for them, perhaps they live for vintage cars or to play tennis.   Naturally a combination of values is common.

Next you need to be able to describe your values in a behavioural or objective manner. That is so that they can be recognised, especially, but not only, by you. What does the value look like when in action? This allows you to identify the actions that you need to take to be living in alignment with your values. For example if you value being a tennis player what level do you want, what skills do you need to learn?

One-way to identify your values is to look at what you already do, or intend to do, with your whole being.  Another is to look at others that you admire and clearly state what it is that they do that you admire.

Once you have identified at least one value and what it looks like you have the foundation for beginning to implement it in your life, to live it effectively. This could easily require you to change habits you currently practice and overcome obstacles in the way.

Living your personal values is not only practicing the required actions.

It is also important to be able to protect and nourish your ability to practice your values. For this it is necessary to consider the things that make it difficult to practice.  For example if honesty is something you value, yet you find you instinctively become protective and less open around some people.   This might mean that you need to consider who you spend your time with.

Practicing your values is more than saying I value this.

You also need to practice, protect and nourish them.

On the journey to living your values effectively you may find your values change or are refined.   Perhaps your true values simply become clearer for you as you live them day-to-day.

Living your values effectively allows you to communicate your values in your actions, be recognised for what is important to you, draws in others who also value what you do and as a consequence you get to live a fulfilled life. Enjoy!

Pain is a Form of Communication.

Pain is an uncomfortable sensation we experience.   It is uncomfortable for the specific purpose of drawing our attention.  Pain is a message, a form of innermost communication, to let us know there is a change that maybe harmful.   Often the discomfort is instantly interpreted as potentially or actually harmful.  Yet this is not always the case.

Sometimes the discomfort is because we are not familiar with the process that is being carried out.  Learning is an excellent example.  When we go through the learning process, ideas we have established, practices we are use to, may need to be broken down to enable a rebuilding of a more complex idea or skill.   This breaking down and integrating process and cause a sensation of discomfort.  Yet if we want to grow in our ideas and skills then this is a necessary process.  It in itself is not going to harm us.  It maybe uncomfortable but it is OK.

Indeed before long the process will settle down and a little later we’ll be established in our new knowledge or skill level.   Until the next developmental sprout, that is. If we do this often enough we’ll adapt and recognise the learning process, become familiar with the sensation and the discomfort will be no more.  Instead we’ll go ahh the learning process. YES!

Sometimes we look at the source of pain and can instantly see the cause and know what to do. Damn a paper cut.  Oh well, its OK.  I just got to stop this blood flow.  Oh no that’s a massive deep cut, it looks like I’ll need stitches.  Best go to the doctor.  AWWWW looks and feels like a broken leg I need help.  Call an ambulance.   Generally we are well trained in dealing with such forms of pain.

Other times we don’t know what is going on.  Something hurts, and we don’t understand.  In these situations we might ask for help.  We might distract our self, until we can’t ignore the pain any longer.  Then we ask for help.  When we don’t understand what is happening it is so much easier if it is physical pain.  Too often psychological and emotional pain is ignored.

This is the worst kind of pain, in my mind, because, too often, we are taught it is a weakness and we simply need to toughen up.  As a consequence we feel we have to live with, deal with it on our own.  Yes it is true there are sources of pain we have to live with.  Life is full of painful experiences.  However the idea we have to manage them on our own or we ought not even have them is a problem.

Yes the discomfort can be in your thoughts, however it is still telling you something isn’t going well for you.  The source still needs to be identified so you can determine an appropriate course of action.  Denying the pain, pretending it doesn’t exist; being afraid to ask for support will only make it worse.

Remember pain is a form of communication.  It is telling you something needs your attention.  Pay attention, identify and evaluate the source, is it really potentially harmful?  Whether it is or not it is important to acknowledge the message, identify the source and develop a pain management plan.  You may need assistance with this.  This is definitely the case if you can’t identify the source or managing the source is beyond your ability or know how.

Always listen to your innermost communication.  It’s not knowing and being alone with the pain that is ineffective for responding to the message.   Ask someone, get help. Whether it is physical or psychological the message of potential harm still needs to be attended to otherwise it will keep growing until it has your attention.

The Power of Self-Determination

The Power of Self-Determination is in its role to support you in creating the life you want to live.  It is the most effective way to have a fulfilling and successful life.  Self-determination provides you with personal direction and protection.

To live a self-determined life it is necessary to take full ownership of your life.

This requires you to be willing to and to take responsibility for what you do, the impact you have on others and be held accountable for the consequences.  It requires you to know what you, as an individual, want, and how to achieve what you want.  Alternatively know how to gain the knowledge and skills to do so.

This in turn requires self-awareness and effective innermost communication.  That is the ability to recognise, understand, and act on your core needs, preferences and dreams, authentically and respectfully.  Self-determination provides direction by knowing what you want and how to action it so you can live your life for your personal satisfaction.

This does not mean life will be prefect and beautiful all the time.  Life challenges will still come your way.  There are many things none of us can control or determine.   So an important aspect of self-determination is recognising that we can’t control things outside our self.  We can take actions to protect ourselves, and influence what is happening outside our self, however unpredictable or unconsidered things and challenges will occur.

Self-determination embraces the unpredictableness of reality and accepts it is about how we respond to the unexpected that is important.   Accepting things and learning how to manage the challenges of life is another important aspect of self-determination.

The opposite of self-determination is when we are controlled and directed by others.   When we allow others to make decisions for us we have given our power over to them. There are those amongst us that are happy with this choice.  After all we are taught to do this.  If you are happy with your life all is well.

If however you aren’t so happy, content or satisfied with your life it is up to you to reclaim your life.  Make fresh decisions and claim ownership of your life, become self-determined such that you are experiencing a life that is more fulfilling for you.  It may not be easy, however it is possible to create a life you want.

You could blame others, and yes you could attempt to hold them responsible for what has happened.  Yet how does that serve you to become more self-determine?  To have a more satisfying life.   The truth is it doesn’t. It passes the buck[1] and gives you a reason for staying where you are.  It prevents you from being in control of your life and many will take advantage of this.

If you choose to live a self-determined life you have a valuable tool for reducing experiences of others taking advantage of you, having negative impact on you or controlling your life.  This is because when you clearly define yourself it provides you with a strong protection from the impact of others’ redirecting you, labelling you, as well as any attempts to confuse you.   The last two tactics are commonly used to make you more vulnerable to abuse.  Clearly defining yourself is the foundation for the development of skills for dealing with challenging and difficult people.

While self-determination is powerful for protecting us from others it is important to remember that we are dependent on our relationships, we need constructive relationships for a satisfying life.   This means it is important to care for your relationships in order to care for yourself.  Thus respect for yourself and others is essential to living a self–determined life.

Unfortunately many of us are not taught how to practice self-determination effectively. That is to make decisions and implement actions that fulfil our personal needs, practicing self-respect, while being respectful of others and their needs.  It is important to realise it is never too late to begin reclaiming your life.  I believe the act of self-determination is a process and that we develop continuously through out life, if we so choose.

Living a self-determined life will provide direction and pathway for a fulfilling life by knowing what you want and how to achieve it.  It means you embrace the unpredictableness of life and recognise it is how you respond to life that matters.  It also means you are accountable for the consequences of your actions and you have the ability to learn and adapt in order to meet your needs and challenges.  Self-determination also provides protection from others while being respectful. Self-determination provides you with personal direction and protection.  This is a very basic human right and responsibility.   To me being and becoming more self-determined is an important part of this journey we call life.

To learn more consider the up coming Power of Self-Determination Session and or Inner Most and Self-Determination course.

[1] Holding others accountable is important; this is different to passing the buck. Understanding the difference is important.

Manners: A better way?

What has happened to manners and being polite?  A question so commonly asked today. We need to be polite!   It was driven into many of us as children.   Say ‘please’ ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’.   It all sounds rather good and nice.  The problem was we were trained to do this.  That is ‘do it’ even when we don’t ‘mean it’.  Worse still he had to accept others insincere politeness and act on it!

Being polite and respectful somehow drifted into social correctness and insincerity. Rather than the appropriate respectful use of the phrases, please, thank you and sorry, the deep meaning of them has been lost.   Consideration of others drifted into self-denial and disrespect or worse.  Little white lies, some call it.  In the name of being kind!

 I don’t see how disrespect and insincerity are ‘good’ or ‘nice’ or ‘kind’. Do you?

‘Please’ a respectful request, to me, has almost become a begging.   Worse I have noticed often there is an element of expectation attached to it. I said ‘please’ so you have to do it. Ouch! What happened to the right to say no.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am all for requesting.  Demanding is not a first choice, it too takes away a right of choice. Y et sometimes, when boundaries are broken, a demand actually becomes appropriate.  I just think I don’t need to beg or expect my fulfilment from one particular source.  If you say no, I can ask someone else.

‘Please’ really is about letting the ‘other’ know they have a choice.   So the phrases:    Could you? Would you? Often seems more fitting to me.

‘Thank you’, an automatic couple of words so often empty and lacking a sense of gratitude.   Come on you know what I mean.   They said ‘thank you’ but was it a genuine appreciation or just empty words?

Appreciation radiates a sense of connection and satisfaction that draws one in, so we can do it all again.  That is what is it about.  We want to make a difference.

 Genuine appreciation and gratitude guides us to use our energy where it makes a difference.

Did you like it?   Did it make a difference for you?  If so, say ‘thank you’ with ‘meaning’ and draw that experience in some more.  Acknowledge what you like.  Say thank you with appreciation, so the source knows it wasn’t wasting its time and energy.  Believe me, you will experience more pleasure this way.

‘Oh sorry’, now I can do it all again.  What!  No that’s not what ‘sorry’ is about!  Yet isn’t that a really common practice today?  ‘I said sorry, what more do you want?’

Well actually I don’t like it, so I don’t want it.   I want to experience something different.

A genuine ‘sorry’ is about recognising an inappropriate action and correcting it.

The words are empty if there is no experiential difference for the ‘other’.  Yet this doesn’t mean you have to change for others, to fit in with them all the time. T he trick is understanding what is important to you and being able to let go of what isn’t.  Being creative enough to find ways to meet everyone’s needs when appropriate.  Sometimes this means looking at our priorities and remembering to let go of ‘others’ so they can grow.

It is unfortunate that being polite, intended as respectfully considerate of others, has become a form of social correctness.   This social correctness is what concerns me.   That is when good manners are token empty gestures or requires us to go along with the social norms and commonplace behaviors that reinforce disconnection and lack of authenticity.

The genuine use of requests, appreciation and appropriate behavior adjustment, along with candid caring communication lead to more fulfilment and life satisfaction.  Yet candid communication maybe portrayed as disrespectful, in reality, I think this claim is a means to prevent growth and maintain questionable social practices.

Learn to speak candidly with respectful kindness, and how to develop relationships where you know the other has your best interests at heart and will support you being your self!  And that you will do the same for them.   Let others know what you appreciate and that you are aware they have a right to say No. 

Befriending Your Emotions: I The problem of emotional denial

Our emotions are our friends.  Our best friends, they are undyingly caring about us and doing the very best they can in our best interest.  Emotions let us know what is working for us and what is not. They are based in the aspects of our survival, growth, pleasure, and pain physiology.  They are action requiring neurological process that helps us understand what our needs and preferences are.  Who we are as an individual, and the action we need to take to take care of our self, to move toward growth and life.  Rather than drift, in survival mode, towards death

It is unfortunate that society, predominantly, conditions us to believe that there are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions.   That we need to stay away from our emotions and be rational.   It is important, they say, not to make the mistake of being emotional! ‘Bad’ emotions are unwelcome and a problem.  While ‘good’ emotions are what we want to experience all the time.   Yet be careful not to express those too much.   So if a bad emotion starts we are taught to deny it and suppress it.   While good emotions are ok, in moderation, or we have an unrealistic expectation that we can have then all the time.

Importantly we are NOT taught how to listen to our emotions, let alone respond to them.   We are not taught we are valuable beings that need to be cared for.   The truth is we are valuable beings that deserve, indeed have the right, to have our needs fulfilled. We need to listen to our emotions.  We need to pay attention to them; they are trying to tell us something important.   They are trying to tell us how to care for our self and how to live a fulfilling life.

Further this disconnection results in the common practices that leave individual’s experiencing them confused, perhaps wondering what is wrong with them, generally leaving them feeling unsafe and alone.   Indeed these practices are so common it is no surprise so many of us are struggling with a sense of not belonging and loneliness.  A critical truth is, is that when we are feeling unsafe we ourselves tend to practice these actions of emotional absurdity.   They are, at least initially, protective behaviors used when we do not know a better way and feel unsafe.

These common practices include:

Lying about one’s feelings

Pretending we aren’t feeling what we clearly are, others can see

Avoiding sensitive subjects

Using language to hide, obscure & skirt critical issues

Claiming to be rational when we are emotional

Pretending to like what we do not

Attacking people who frighten us, without realizing we are full of fear

Stopping forward movement/change (growth) because we are angry or full of grief. Yet no one can speak the truth, for we will claim it is them, not us, because our denial is so strong we project our emotions onto them.

Words spoken say one thing, the body expresses another and often a different action is taken.  At some level we can all see this emotional absurdity, lack of authenticity, it is very confusing and leaves us vulnerable to further harm.  Indeed the control of and disconnection from our emotions is the first step of the harms of controlling relationships.

By disconnecting us from our inner life and confusing us with emotional untruths and training us to be externally directed we provide perfect targets for abusive, controlling relationships and escalating violence.  As a consequence reconnecting with our inner life and befriending our emotions is the first real step in reducing violence in our society. The truth is emotional awareness and empathy are required for our health, our wellbeing, making decisions and quality relationships.

By befriending our emotions we reconnect with our self

and travel the path toward authenticity,

genuine caring relationships and

a fulfilling life.  

Will you choose to travel this path?

 

 

References and further reading:

Asatryan, K. 2016 Stop Being Lonely New World Library

McLaren, K. 2013 Art of Empathy Sounds True

Saying No Appropriately is Powerfully Respectful.

Saying No appropriately is essential.

It is about being respectful and setting clear boundaries.

Many of us have been taught to ‘do the right thing’, ‘put others first’ and ‘to be nice’.  Often the implication and result is we come to believe saying ‘no’ is not ok.  In addition many people expect others to always say Yes!   Perhaps including your self.   Both of these views are not in your or anyone’s best interest!  Not only is it ok to say No, it is vitally important to appropriately say No.

Saying No ‘appropriately’ means knowing what you key priorities are.  It is about knowing, caring and attending to what is right for you, your values and your priorities.    As well as what is not.  By allowing yourself to focus your attention on what is most important, you are practicing self-respect.   That is you don’t have to fulfil others needs all the time.  You matter too.

Saying No doesn’t mean the other have to go without; it just means you won’t fulfil that particular request, perhaps only at that particular time.   You could suggest another way they can get what they are asking for.  By validating them and their request you are acknowledging both your right to say No and theirs to ask.  Being respectful of others is also important.

As is fulfilling your role in a relationship.  However, this does not mean saying ‘no’ is not ok.  Indeed to say yes, inappropriately, that is to fail to say no appropriately, is practicing disrespect for all.   Being respectful to your self is foundational to respecting others.

Saying No appropriately allows clear boundaries to be set.  It clarifies what is important acceptable and not acceptable for you and or the situation.  While allowing your self to be ‘distracted from what is most important’, ‘spread too thin to do justice to anything’ or ‘accepting inappropriate behaviour’ are forms of disrespect.

Identifying, creating time for and standing by what is important to you means you are being powerfully respectful of yourself and sets boundaries for what is appropriate and what is not appropriate in your life.  In essence saying No appropriately is setting boundaries to allow respectful behaviour for all.

Our conditioning to say yes (be nice) is one reason we find it challenging to say No.   Other reasons include concerns the other person will not receive our No well.  They will be upset, or hurt, which could create conflict or damage to the relationship.   The lack of understanding of the value and importance of saying No fuels these misguided ideas. Develop your understanding and apperception for the value of appropriately saying No!

To help you get comfortable with this remember you, indeed everyone, has a right to ask for what you want and who ever has been asked, has a right to say No.  All an appropriate No means is, there is a need to ask someone else and or get creative with the request.

You have a right to say No!

This means others can say No too!

The expectation of a Yes denies the right of choice.

Validation

Validation is key to powerful relationships.

It says:

It is safe to be our self.

Even when we don’t agree, each of us matters and is accepted.

To validate someone is to let them know they matter, that they are accepted for who they are.  It is essential for the building of relationships based in trust, cooperation, a sense of belonging and closeness.  Unfortunately validation is not that common a practice.  Our thoughts, feelings, experiences, and or reality are minimalized or dismissed on a regular bases.  The practice is so integrated into our communication style that we are often unaware, we may even have best intentions, when we practice it.  However the practice of being invalidated has the same impact whether it is done consciously or unconsciously.  

Invalidation leaves one feeling like they don’t matter,

are wrong and don’t belong.

The act of invalidation is so common it is

No wonder so many people struggle with a sense of being wrong and

of not belonging.

Think about it.  How often have you experienced or said, ‘Don’t get upset.’ ‘You don’t want that.’   ‘You are wrong.’  ‘Stop feeling that way.’  ‘Pull yourself togeather.’  ‘Your over reacting.’  ‘Don’t think about it, just do it.’  ‘It could be worse.’   ‘Cheer up.’  ‘Think positive.’  ‘Oh that’s nothing …’  ‘There’s no reason to be upset.’  ‘Your being irrational.’ No doubt you can now think of many more such comments and thus the list could go on.

Yet it is not overly challenging to travel the path to being a validator, rather than an invalidator, transitioning to someone who consciously values, respects and cares for themselves and others.   To do so make the choice to practice validation; to stop objectifying and discarding oneself and others with the use of invalidation.

By validating and respecting yourself you can become

the person you want to be.

Validating others supports the creation of a safe space.

Where trust, closeness and

a sense of belonging can develop.

This results in closer stronger relationships

based in honesty and respect.

How to validate:

The first step is to remember we are all real people, with our own perspectives, thoughts, and feelings.  As a consequence we will have different ideas, needs, preferences and desires; with each of us making our own choices.  This reality is a basic right of life.   This diversity is in fact the beauty of life.  Approaching others with this attitude makes an enormous difference.

Now: Be present, keep your attention in the now, on the individual of interest.  This shows they matter enough for you to be there for them.

In that presence, listen to what they say and acknowledge it.  You don’t have to agree with it.  Just let it be, acknowledge their view, ideas, feelings and choices as theirs.

Also pay attention to their non-verbal communication.  What that is saying about where they are at, then, instead of assuming you know, check in with them and ask for the clarification you need.

Remind them what they are experiencing is ok.   Ideally normalize it, let them know they are not alone, others may have the same experience.

To validate yourself and others is powerfully respectful.  It means you pay attention; act with caring, in best interests, to personal needs and desires.   You drop expectations.  As a result each person knows they matter, as an individual, and that they belong.   In turn we can share more of our self and build closeness in our relationships.

Finally lets remember to be real.  It is massively challenging for most people to stop one practice and instantly take on another.  It is the intention and implementation of validation practices that will make the difference.   Invalidation is likely to still occur. However, if we consider research from Positive Psychology we can take into account the four to one ratio.  That is for each negative incident four positives will counteract it.   So keep the focus on validating whenever you can, including acknowledging each one that occurs.