Manners: A better way?

What has happened to manners and being polite?  A question so commonly asked today. We need to be polite!   It was driven into many of us as children.   Say ‘please’ ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’.   It all sounds rather good and nice.  The problem was we were trained to do this.  That is ‘do it’ even when we don’t ‘mean it’.  Worse still he had to accept others insincere politeness and act on it!

Being polite and respectful somehow drifted into social correctness and insincerity. Rather than the appropriate respectful use of the phrases, please, thank you and sorry, the deep meaning of them has been lost.   Consideration of others drifted into self-denial and disrespect or worse.  Little white lies, some call it.  In the name of being kind!

 I don’t see how disrespect and insincerity are ‘good’ or ‘nice’ or ‘kind’. Do you?

‘Please’ a respectful request, to me, has almost become a begging.   Worse I have noticed often there is an element of expectation attached to it. I said ‘please’ so you have to do it. Ouch! What happened to the right to say no.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am all for requesting.  Demanding is not a first choice, it too takes away a right of choice. Y et sometimes, when boundaries are broken, a demand actually becomes appropriate.  I just think I don’t need to beg or expect my fulfilment from one particular source.  If you say no, I can ask someone else.

‘Please’ really is about letting the ‘other’ know they have a choice.   So the phrases:    Could you? Would you? Often seems more fitting to me.

‘Thank you’, an automatic couple of words so often empty and lacking a sense of gratitude.   Come on you know what I mean.   They said ‘thank you’ but was it a genuine appreciation or just empty words?

Appreciation radiates a sense of connection and satisfaction that draws one in, so we can do it all again.  That is what is it about.  We want to make a difference.

 Genuine appreciation and gratitude guides us to use our energy where it makes a difference.

Did you like it?   Did it make a difference for you?  If so, say ‘thank you’ with ‘meaning’ and draw that experience in some more.  Acknowledge what you like.  Say thank you with appreciation, so the source knows it wasn’t wasting its time and energy.  Believe me, you will experience more pleasure this way.

‘Oh sorry’, now I can do it all again.  What!  No that’s not what ‘sorry’ is about!  Yet isn’t that a really common practice today?  ‘I said sorry, what more do you want?’

Well actually I don’t like it, so I don’t want it.   I want to experience something different.

A genuine ‘sorry’ is about recognising an inappropriate action and correcting it.

The words are empty if there is no experiential difference for the ‘other’.  Yet this doesn’t mean you have to change for others, to fit in with them all the time. T he trick is understanding what is important to you and being able to let go of what isn’t.  Being creative enough to find ways to meet everyone’s needs when appropriate.  Sometimes this means looking at our priorities and remembering to let go of ‘others’ so they can grow.

It is unfortunate that being polite, intended as respectfully considerate of others, has become a form of social correctness.   This social correctness is what concerns me.   That is when good manners are token empty gestures or requires us to go along with the social norms and commonplace behaviors that reinforce disconnection and lack of authenticity.

The genuine use of requests, appreciation and appropriate behavior adjustment, along with candid caring communication lead to more fulfilment and life satisfaction.  Yet candid communication maybe portrayed as disrespectful, in reality, I think this claim is a means to prevent growth and maintain questionable social practices.

Learn to speak candidly with respectful kindness, and how to develop relationships where you know the other has your best interests at heart and will support you being your self!  And that you will do the same for them.   Let others know what you appreciate and that you are aware they have a right to say No. 

The Importance of Self-Care

Monday 24th of July is International Self-Care Day.   In honor of the day lets acknowledge the importance of Self-Care and consider how we can enhance our Self-Care skills.  For Self-Care is our first and primary role and responsibility.   It is about honoring our health and wellbeing, as well those around us.

Effective Self-Care is the practice of constructively paying attention to, and fulfilling one’s own needs, so as to nourish and maintain one’s health and wellbeing.

Constructively refers to being effective and respectful, respectful of our self as well as of others.  To be effective and respectful we must be aware of our own needs, be able to distinguish our self from others and recognise that we have separate and often different needs and desires.   We need to believe in our ability to fulfil those needs, while considering others’.  Finally we need the skills to consider varies options, before selecting and actioning the most appropriate way to have the need(s) meet.

As a babe we did not hesitate to let others know our needs until others fulfilled them, or we learnt helplessness.   As we grew we developed skills to fulfill our needs and desires or remained in a space of learnt helplessness and decided we wouldn’t have what we wanted.   Some of us learnt effective Self-Care skills.  We were empowered.   The result being we had the skills for a fulfilling and satisfying life; we experience health, wellbeing, quality relationships, personal success and how to deal with the challenges of life. Unfortunately many of us did not.

Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable,  and you are worth the effort.  Deborah Day

If we have unfulfilled needs they tend to fester and break out.  They may break out as irritation, passive aggressive or outright aggressive behaviors.  These behaviors have damaging effects on our health, wellbeing, relationships, and consequently our life.   As an adult it is our responsibility to develop our Self-Care skills so we can be both self-determined and respectful.   To do this we need the skills of self-awareness, empathy, creativity, negotiation, decision-making, action taking, and accountability.   Learning these skills are Self-Care essentials.

Self-Care means being able to give the best of yourself,  rather than what is left of yourself.   Katie Reed

If you already have many of these skills, in honor of Self-Care Day I suggest you put aside time to consider an act of kindness for your self and your loved one’s and action it as soon as possible.   For kindness is another foundation of Self-Care.

If you are struggling with your personal Self-Care, I recommend giving yourself permission to not only determine but also meet your personal need and desires.   First steps include taking the time to consider what actions make you feel better and which do not.  AND committing to doing more of what helps you feel better.  Start with the simple things.   Perhaps taking time to read a good book, talk with a friend, sitting down to savor a nourishing bowl of fruit salad, or vegetable soup.   Importantly, know you deserve to enjoy your life and that the little things that nourish you are the backbone to doing so.

What action are you taking today to enhance your Self-Care?

How are you celebrating International Self-Care Day?

Other potential resources:

For specific ideas of Self-Care check out: 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul.

Self-Awareness exercises.

The Art of Empathy by Karla McLaren

Crucial Accountability by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and Ron McMillan

Befriending Your Emotions II: A better way.

Emotional intelligence and health are key to your over all health, wellbeing and life satisfaction.   This is because emotional health is the foundation to effective relationships and as social beings we are dependent on others.  This dependence is embedded in our physiology.   It is deeply ingrained within our pain, pleasure, survival, and growth aspects.   Emotional health is part of our physiological, as well as, our psychological beingness.  Emotional intelligence has four key aspects: self-awareness, self-regulation, self-determination and other-awareness or relationship management.   Each aspect builds upon the previous.

We need to be self-aware, have self-regulation and determination to be able to effectively be other-aware, so we can have fulfilling relationships. Fulfilling relationships are key to our health and life satisfaction.  To move from a place of disconnection to self-awareness, from survival mode to personal growth and life satisfaction we need to Befriend our Emotions and connect with our self and live a self-determined life.   This in turn supports us to experience fulfilling relationships and life satisfaction.   This is not up for debate it is reality.

While we need to build up from self-awareness, developmentally, I will encourage you to begin with self-determination.   This is because as adults we are responsible for our own life.   It is essential to let go of any thought that it is up to someone else.   As an adult you can and are responsible for making decisions for yourself and take responsibility for the outcome.  This is the foundation for ownership of your life.   So if you are looking for life satisfaction and fulfilling relationships, begin by give yourself permission to claim your own life, to be yourself, to meet your own needs and desires and be responsible for yourself.

Next, identify your needs, preferences, desires and values.  What is important to you?   This is the process of being self-aware. To be self-aware is the opposite of the disconnection experienced when suppressing and denying emotions.   It requires you to slow down and pay attention; this is paying proper attention, to what your body and emotions are telling you.  To develop your inner connection, begin by distinguishing between what feels right or comfortable and what does not.  This is the first indication of your needs, preferences, desires and values.

Once you have identified your needs, preferences, desires and values you can begin to fulfill them.  You can start with one or two, if you like, just start somewhere.   If required give yourself permission to meet the chosen needs or desires.  Remember to do so respectfully.   As you work with your selection and become more comfortable with the process, other needs and desires will reveal themselves.   And so your journey continues.

From there you can begin to distinguish between different emotions and what they are trying to tell you.   Start with those emotions that are strongly pushing their way into your awareness.  Then move onto listening for your emotions before they become so intense.   All the emotions have subtle forms, just many of us don’t recognise them.

Self-regulation really becomes important as we tap into suppressed and denied emotions, we can become rather reactive, rather than respectfully responsive.  To be respectful of all it is important to respond to your needs, desires and values effectively.   If you don’t these physiological and psychological needs will seep out, cause reactions (unconscious actions) with your loosing the power of choice. Self-regulation is foundational to the Power of Choice.

At the same time be patient with yourself as you move from a place of ‘reactive’ action to one of responsive action by choice.   You are developing your ability to practice authenticity; your actions align with your intentions, things won’t always go smoothly.   Yet you are still moving forward if you keep cycling back to self-determination and focus on improvement.

You need the skills of self-awareness, self-regulation and self-determination before you can learn to manage relationships effectively.   These skills promote your ability to be authentic, fulfill your needs and desires plus distinguishing yourself from others.   Becoming other aware, recognising others as separate individuals, will enable you to manage your relationships, respectful cooperation relationships based in equality and mutuality, effectively.   All of this is embedded in your physiology such that by developing these skills you will become more comfortable, satisfied, healthier and happier.   You will enjoy a more satisfying and pleasurable life.

Befriending Your Emotions: I The problem of emotional denial

Our emotions are our friends.  Our best friends, they are undyingly caring about us and doing the very best they can in our best interest.  Emotions let us know what is working for us and what is not. They are based in the aspects of our survival, growth, pleasure, and pain physiology.  They are action requiring neurological process that helps us understand what our needs and preferences are.  Who we are as an individual, and the action we need to take to take care of our self, to move toward growth and life.  Rather than drift, in survival mode, towards death

It is unfortunate that society, predominantly, conditions us to believe that there are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions.   That we need to stay away from our emotions and be rational.   It is important, they say, not to make the mistake of being emotional! ‘Bad’ emotions are unwelcome and a problem.  While ‘good’ emotions are what we want to experience all the time.   Yet be careful not to express those too much.   So if a bad emotion starts we are taught to deny it and suppress it.   While good emotions are ok, in moderation, or we have an unrealistic expectation that we can have then all the time.

Importantly we are NOT taught how to listen to our emotions, let alone respond to them.   We are not taught we are valuable beings that need to be cared for.   The truth is we are valuable beings that deserve, indeed have the right, to have our needs fulfilled. We need to listen to our emotions.  We need to pay attention to them; they are trying to tell us something important.   They are trying to tell us how to care for our self and how to live a fulfilling life.

Further this disconnection results in the common practices that leave individual’s experiencing them confused, perhaps wondering what is wrong with them, generally leaving them feeling unsafe and alone.   Indeed these practices are so common it is no surprise so many of us are struggling with a sense of not belonging and loneliness.  A critical truth is, is that when we are feeling unsafe we ourselves tend to practice these actions of emotional absurdity.   They are, at least initially, protective behaviors used when we do not know a better way and feel unsafe.

These common practices include:

Lying about one’s feelings

Pretending we aren’t feeling what we clearly are, others can see

Avoiding sensitive subjects

Using language to hide, obscure & skirt critical issues

Claiming to be rational when we are emotional

Pretending to like what we do not

Attacking people who frighten us, without realizing we are full of fear

Stopping forward movement/change (growth) because we are angry or full of grief. Yet no one can speak the truth, for we will claim it is them, not us, because our denial is so strong we project our emotions onto them.

Words spoken say one thing, the body expresses another and often a different action is taken.  At some level we can all see this emotional absurdity, lack of authenticity, it is very confusing and leaves us vulnerable to further harm.  Indeed the control of and disconnection from our emotions is the first step of the harms of controlling relationships.

By disconnecting us from our inner life and confusing us with emotional untruths and training us to be externally directed we provide perfect targets for abusive, controlling relationships and escalating violence.  As a consequence reconnecting with our inner life and befriending our emotions is the first real step in reducing violence in our society. The truth is emotional awareness and empathy are required for our health, our wellbeing, making decisions and quality relationships.

By befriending our emotions we reconnect with our self

and travel the path toward authenticity,

genuine caring relationships and

a fulfilling life.  

Will you choose to travel this path?

 

 

References and further reading:

Asatryan, K. 2016 Stop Being Lonely New World Library

McLaren, K. 2013 Art of Empathy Sounds True