The Truth About Rejection

Rejection is a process of punishment.  We are biologically wired to suffer deeply from rejection.  This is because it causes harm, even if it is claimed to be to an act of protection.  It is based in fear or intention to harm.   Thus rejection has no place in Respectful Communication or Accountability.

Generally the practice of rejection hides a fear to face ones own shadows, ones personal rejected aspects.  It may also be due to ignorance or immaturity, poor skills and poor accountability processes.

Rejection causes harm to the strong biological drive for connection and acceptance, our need to belong.  It is the opposite of inclusion and empowerment.  Being inclusive does not mean it is necessary to embrace all around us.  This too can be very harmful in numerous ways.

We all have a right to say No!  It is when and how we say no that makes the difference.   The alternative to rejection is Intentional Selection.   Respectful Intentional Selection (RIS) is carried out using validation, clearly articulated guidelines, empowerment and appropriate redirection.

Rejection results in broken trust and shattered relationships, not just between the specific individuals of any specific incident.  The impact of rejection ripples out to others and inward to ones inner self.   For the target rejection wounds ones sense of worth.   For the instigator(s) it wounds the inner connection of self-respect and humane compassion, separating oneself further from the aspect of one’s self that is hidden in the shadows as well as those being rejected.

While witnesses, whether directly or indirectly, experience a wide range of psychological harms can occur.  It includes promotion of fear, one maybe the next target, self worth, strengthening of their shadows and disconnection from their inner self, harm to relationships in general, as well as associated stress which easily leads to physical poor health.

While, RIS results in recognition of acceptance and self worth, as well as empowerment that supports the achievement of an appropriate outcome for all.  Empowerment may mean redirection to a more appropriate source for ones request or support to obtain the required resources or development of appropriate skills.  I repeat the opposite of rejection is not to embrace all.   It is very appropriate to select what one embraces. Respectful Intentional Selection is a powerful alternative or rejection.

Rejection is a form of punishment that causes harm and thus is counter to Respectful Communication.   While the opposite of rejection is inclusion, inclusion does not mean one needs to embrace all.

Respectful Intentional Selection is inclusive whilst the respecting right of choice by empowering the right to say no appropriately. Respectful Intentional Selection means using validation and empowerment or redirection as appropriate and choice, to support respectful outcome for all.

 

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Who’s Ruling Your World? Assholes or Beautiful Souls!

Robert Sutton (2010) officially brought the term Asshole into the business world to describe those I usually refer to as Toxic Individuals.  In his book ‘The No Asshole Rule’ he describes the damage such individuals tend to wreck.  Whether it be at home or at work, Assholes with their domineer and disrespectful ways, cause much harm for others and organisations alike.  Sadly they are increasingly encountered in our society. At the same time there is another kind of individual, those I refer to as Beautiful Souls, who have the opposite effect on others.  Beautiful Souls bring respectful caring to the world. Fortunately we can chose whether we allow Assholes or Beautiful Souls to Rule our World.

In order for us to select who Rules Our World we need to be able to recognise and distinguish Assholes from Beautiful Souls.   Happily it is not hard to do. In order to distinguish them we’ll examine the difference between Assholes and Beautiful Souls in more a detail.  Once we can distinguish them we can select whether Assholes or Beautiful Souls Rule Our World.

Characteristics of Assholes include their overwhelming need to maintain control and they often enjoy observing others suffer.  Indeed they will create situations purely for such enjoyment, without remorse.  They are habitually dishonest, whether it be small twists of truths to serve them or outright lies.  They believe they never make mistakes, thus apologies are not heard from Assholes.  Instead they rapidly and skilfully shift blame for things that go wrong, while easily claiming ownership for others successes.

Due to their selective treatment of others, some people will think a specific Asshole is a wonderful person and find it hard to believe the ‘stories of abusive behaviours’ by that Asshole.  At the same time Assholes persistently leave others, their targets, feeling disrespected and demeaned.  Usually Assholes, at least, believe they have power and or social status over their targets.

On the other hand Beautiful Souls are persistently polite and warm to others, regardless of their social position.  They are those that consistently leave others feeling good, no matter who they are.  Beautiful Souls are respectful, caring, and appreciative which they communicate in their very presence.  In addition they take responsibility for their actions, they are comfortable apologising, are helpful, listen well and are willing to adapt.   When I think of Beautiful Souls I think of Dali Lama.   Beautiful Souls are amazing people who overflow with kindness, authenticity and respect for all.   Unfortunately we don’t see many Dali Lamas in our society.

This shortage of True Beautiful Souls is because as human beings we have a tendency to drop, at least on occasions, into Asshole mode.  This is quite different to True Assholes. Sutton (2010) refers to these individuals as temporary assholes.   Myself I consider them either difficult or challenging individuals.

As Assholes are increasing in number they tend to Rule Our World by default.   To have Beautiful Souls Rule our World requires a conscious choice.  However by selecting Beautiful Souls we increase our health wellbeing and general success in life.  If individual takes on the challenge of being a Beautiful Soul, I refer to them as Beautiful Souls in Training.  And this is where the challenge sets in.  Distinguishing Beautiful Souls from Assholes is quite easy, however in reality we are far more likely to encounter difficult, or challenging individuals and Beautiful Souls in Training than true Beautiful Souls.  Distinguishing them from Assholes is not quite so easy.

Beautiful Souls in Training are those who have consciously chosen to Have Beautiful Souls Rule their World.  They are Skilling Up to improve their self-care, self-awareness, communication and relationships skills so that they are more frequently in Beautiful Soul Mode.  You can recognise Beautiful Souls in Training by their generally Beautiful Soul approach to life.

Beautiful Souls in Training are respectful, open, apologise, express appreciation and usually leave others feeling good about themselves.  However on occasion they slip and demonstrate Asshole behaviours, which they generally regret.  Beautiful Souls in Training realise mistakes are made in the journey of Becoming a Beautiful Soul and accept the slips as part of Becoming A Beautiful Soul.  They do however reflect on how to reduce the slips.  In addition we also have to consider difficult and challenging people.  Those that are not Assholes but at times display Asshole Behaviour without taking on the challenge of Becoming a Beautiful Soul.

Importantly by focusing on the key difference between Assholes and Beautiful Souls, including Beautiful Souls in Training, we can distinguish by the impact they have on others.  Assholes have two effects on others, those they feel worthy see a nice person, while those who are considered below them are left feeling dreadful; while Beautiful Souls leave others, regardless of their status, feeling good about themselves.  And Beautiful Souls in Training are consciously increasing their practice of being a Beautiful Soul thus more frequently than not leave people feeling respected and good about them self.

Now you know the difference between Assholes and Beautiful Souls and the impact they have on others it is time for you to consider Who Rules Your World, Assholes or Beautiful Souls?  If you choose Beautiful Souls you can start by becoming a Beautiful Soul in Training.  This is a foundational choice to make.  We’ll look at this process of Becoming Beautiful a Soul in the next article.

If you enjoyed this and would like to read more similar article please press ‘Like’.

Life was meant to be enjoyed.

Dr Janelle Sheen

 

Sutton, R. 2010 The No Asshole Rule Piatkus London

 

 

 

 

 

The Problem with ‘Toughen Up’

All too commonly to ‘Toughen Up’ is to pretend all is well when it is not. ‘Toughening Up’ is to ignore yourself, to deny yourself, to not respond to how you feel or accept that what you think doesn’t matter. This is to disconnect yourself from yourself. To ‘Toughen Up’ in this way is an act of violence. It is to tear your mind, heart and soul apart.

Often others tell you to ‘Toughen Up’ so acts of violence can continue, especially low-level violence. You know when others are rude, mean, and hurtful or disrespectful. Often you are told to ‘Toughen Up’ so you accept these acts of violence as normal and ok. People that behave in ways designed to hurt or disrespect you are carrying out acts of violence. ‘Toughening Up’ in response to such actions perpetrates such violence.

When someone tells you to ‘Toughen Up’ they might be well intentioned thinking that ‘Toughening Up’ is a form of self-protection and a means to strengthen you. It is not. It is weakening you as it tears you apart and creates disconnection at your core. This results in reduced ability to think clearly and respond, that is chose to act in your own best interests in a healthy and respectful way. Instead you are more likely to react, come from your biological flight fight fawn or freeze nature.

There is a way to become stronger, to protect yourself from the harms of such violence. You could choose acts of self-respect instead. This requires you to ‘Skill Up’. To ‘Skill Up’ with self-respect is to protect your self while maintaining self-connection. This means you need to pay attention to your needs and act on them in a nourishing and protective manner.

To respectfully protect oneself is to stay in touch with what is happening with caring and act on that caring with skill.   True sometimes that means to postpone an act of nourishment. Acts of self-protection may require us to postpone nourishment temporarily; they are not about denying our self that nourishment.

The big difference between ‘Toughening Up’ and ‘Skilling Up’ with respect is the act of paying attention to yourself, to acknowledge your need and to act on it effectively. This requires Respectful Communication, the acknowledgement of your need and do your very best to act on your need. This includes and requires developing ones skills to do so, rather than pretend there is no need. If you’re best in any one moment is not overly successful. That is ok. It just means it is time to repair any harm and develop new skills. That is life.

Acts of Respect requires one to feel capable and considerate, exercise self control, and respond in an empowering way. Acts of disrespect can be either reactive acts or planned acts that disempower for the purpose of gaining control.   They are opposite in the power flow and outcome.

Disrespect is to                                          Respect is to

Disregard                                                      Relinquishes control

Act to disempower                                     Pays attention and                                                                                 validates

Attempts to Control                                   Act to empowering

Disconnects                                                  Connects

 

Outcome (and often source)

Feel threatened and insecure                 Feel Safe Capable and                                                                              Considered

 

To ‘Skill Up’ with self-respect is to develop your ability to care for yourself, to pay attention to what is causing pain and act on it in a protective yet not disconnected manner. Some ways to ‘Skill Up’ so you become stronger with self-respect are:

  • Develop and maintain your self connection
    1. Build self awareness and other empathic skills
    2. Implement self care
    3. Be true to your self
      1. Act on your own needs and desires respectfully
  • Develop skills in remaining calm
    1. Meditation
    2. Deep breathing
    3. Releasing stored emotions / triggers
  • Stay curious and exploratory in nature
    1. Continue to learn
    2. Recognise ‘failures’ and ‘mistakes’ as opportunities to grow/ learn
  • Build your self belief and confidence
    1. Implement self accountability
    2. Start small with goals and complete them
    3. Acknowledge and appreciate each of your achievements
    4. Gradually stretch, make your goals more challenging
  • Build your reliability
    1. Speak your truth with kindness
    2. Keep your word
  • Learn to recognise and let go of what you cannot do anything about
    1. Develop your ability to take personal responsibility for your life
    2. Grasp the reality that you can not control anything but yourself
    3. Clearly define your roles and responsibilities and use them to guide your actions
  • Remain hopeful, have a dream that you can realistically move toward
    1. Back to Building Your Self Belief
    2. Remember to do Develop and Maintain your Self Connection

Remember its ok to make mistakes, developing skills is a journey, mistakes are made and they’re for us to learn from.

 

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Connection for Better Conversations

So when was the last time you had the experience of attempting to talk with someone and feeling that they just were not listening!  You know, the feeling of disconnect.   Perhaps it was obvious their thoughts are else where, or their replies just didn’t relate to what you said.   Maybe you just sense it despite their apparent attention.   Whatever way it happened it didn’t feel so good, did it?

Maybe it was you disconnecting.   I know I did it just the other day.  I was driving along, having a conversation when I needed to pay more attention to the road; as a consequence the conversation lost my attention completely.   ‘Sorry ‘ I said, ‘I had to concentrate on the road’ ‘That’s Ok’ they said, ‘I understand’.   Or as often happens when I arrive home, worn out, unable to provide much attention to the requests then made of me.   ‘Sorry’ I said, ‘right now is not a good time I need to rest a moment’.

Disconnection in conversations is part of life.  Something we need to embrace as a part of reality.  If we don’t we are likely to feel a lot of pain from a sense of rejection.  Perhaps forgetting we do it too.  Whatever reason disconnection occurs it prevents satisfying conversations and effective communication.

The thing is that today, Facebook and phones, computer games and TV shows, not to mention movies, are adding to reasons we are taken away from the important task of conversing.  The natural occurrences of disconnection are escalating, possibly out of control.  The result. Well, increased feelings of isolation, rejection and loneliness.  These not only feel terrible, they also have a detrimental affect on our relationships, as well our physical and psychological health.

So how about we turn the tide?  Increase connection, have better conversations and enhance our relationships and heath as a consequence.  Here are six fairly easy steps we can all take.

  • Set aside time for conversations.

Put aside all distractions and potential distraction for the time.  There is very limited truth to the idea of multitasking.  You can only fully focus on and give proper attention to one thing at a time.  Respectful communication requires proper attention.

  • Smile and use gentle eye contact.

A genuine smile with gentle eye contact supports the provision of a safe space inviting your conversation partner to partake.  Oh and I do mean a genuine smile. You know the ones that come from inside and light up your eyes.

  • Give your conversation partner your full attention.

Focus on being present, in the here and now and being really with them.  This empowers your ability to partake in Respectful Conversation.  Providing full attention intentionally and regularly helps overcome the times you are disconnected due to natural moments of distraction.

  • Listen deeply.

So what are they saying?  And not just their words listen to their tone and observe their actions as well.  What are they saying at these levels?  Remember it is best to enquiry and clarify, than assume you have heard them accurately.  After all we interpret their message and could get it wrong.

  • Respond to what they say, appropriately.

Respond from your heart, not your head. All too often we spend time thinking of what to say rather than listening deeply and responding respectfully.   Thinking about what you are going to say, when they are speaking, draws attention away from them undermining your ability to truly hear them.   Then take the time to consider the kindness of our reply.

  • Enjoy 

Did I mention the importance of relaxing into the moment and enjoying the conversation, the genuine connection with another?   Really this is the first and the last point.  Every moment in between will be so much more effective and valuable if you remember to relax and enjoy the incredible time you are connecting and sharing with another.

Here’s to turning the tide and increasing more daily connection with others in conversations.  It will definitely enhance your communications, relationships and life satisfaction.

Want to learn more?  Practice your communication skills?  Check out my latest events in Melbourne

 

Distinguishing Controlling and Cooperative Communication

Previously I distinguished Challenging, Difficult and Toxic Conversations within that article I mentioned the importance of learning to distinguish between Controlling and Cooperative Communication.  Doing so is the first step in managing any level of difficult conversation.  It is also the first step for improving your own communication style and thereby quality of life.

First it is important to understand that all our communication is designed for us to achieve something we want.  That is what communication is about.  We want, food, connection, information, a task performed.  We communicate with others to achieve our desire, fulfil a need.  There is nothing wrong with this. It is why we communicate.

At the same time there are different mindsets and intentions behind how we go about achieving our goal fulfilment.  How we communicate.  These different mindsets and intentions have contrasting impacts on those involved in each communication interaction.

Controlling Communication creates harm, psychological, social and physical. In addition it damages organisations and productivity within them.

Alternatively Cooperative Communication builds trust, supportive relationships, life satisfaction, physical and mental health and mutual satisfaction and productivity.

Controlling Communication is the communication style that is dominant in our society.  It is what most of us have been taught.  It is foundational to the hierarchical system that promotes a shortage of resources and means we have winners and losers.  Some individuals get what they want.  Others compromise to settle with less than they want.  Others still simply go without, either by choice or by fear or a sense of helplessness induced by actual or perceived threats.

In the worst case Controlling Communication is designed for the perpetrator to achieve their desired out come with no regard to anyone else’s needs or desires.   Others are simple tools to be used.  In the best case the individuals involved don’t know better communication strategies to achieve their desire.  They accept this is how it is, despite wishing there was a better way.   While in between we have those who may or may not know better strategies, but are living in fear that stimulates self-protective measures that result in the use of controlling strategies.

It is unfortunate that Controlling Communication is what most of us have learnt and use on day-to-day bases.  It is having a negative impact on our lives, it can be seen in the increase in violence as well harm to our mental and physical health.

Due to the recognition of the harm of controlling communication especially in the forms of bullying, harassment, manipulation and verbal abuse these strategies are accepted as inappropriate.  This is the first step in communication transformation and a wonderful thing.  However breaking the pattern of this communication style is still a challenge.   It is seen almost everywhere, at schools, our work and in our homes.  Often the strategies are so dominant they are accepted as ‘normal’ and thus continue.

Controlling Communication is any communication where force is used, where someone is going for his or her outcome without regard for others desires and needs and or, there is an element of a lack of choice.   The idea that we must do this or that, that we have no choice is frequently accepted in our society.  All too often it is more because we are well trained than it is the actuality.  We all have more choice than we realise.  Though admittedly our choices are not always easy to see, let alone enact.

Cooperative Communication is when everyone’s needs and desires are put on the table and considered.  Compromises are avoided big time.  Everyone matters and there is a belief it is possible for all to achieve their desire.  This can take creativity to find a suitable outcome or even acknowledgement that there is a mismatch, a mismatch simple means moving on to another potential source for fulfilment of the desire.

As Cooperative Communication is new for many of us, this means we need to learn new strategies and develop the skills in their use.  Fortunately there is increasing research demonstrating more effective communication strategies, showing a path forward.   If you desire to have more fulfilling relationships, more life satisfaction, health, wellbeing and productivity it is time to consider developing your skills in Cooperative Communication strategies.

 

 

 

Recommended reading. The first book I read on the topic and a great introduction to the difference between controlling and cooperative communication.

Evans, P 1996 The Verbally Abusive Relationship Adams Media Corporation Holbrook Massachusetts

Forget “Forgive and Forget” its Wrong!

To forgive and forget implies we forgive someone his or her transgression(s) or mistake(s) and then let it go.  This is how transgressions and mistakes reoccur and can easily lead to escalation of the issue.  If you want growth and development this is wrong!  Especially as there are constructive alternatives.

The appropriate alternative depends on the situation and individual’s roles and responsibilities within the relationship.  To select the most appropriate response to a transgression it is important to consider the type of relationship, the individuals’ awareness and ability to meet the expectation, as well as situational requirements.

First start with the relationship.  Clarify is it an equitable relationship, where individual’s are considered to have equal power and input?  Or is a hierarchical one, with positional power differences?

In the case of true equitable relationship then the first, as always, step is to check if the expectation being transgressed is clearly articulated and agreed upon.

There is no way of getting around the reality that most, if not all, individuals are not mind readers and we can only live up to and reasonably be held accountable for expectations we are clearly aware of.  Thus if expectations in an equitable relationship are not clearly articulated and agreed upon doing so is the first process that needs to be carried out when a transgression has occurred.

To clearly articulate each expectation, it needs to be considered from the point of view of it being realistic.  It is not realistic to expect someone to go without food for a week.  It is not realistic to expect someone to do tasks they don’t have the ability to do or aren’t clear of what the task requirements are.  That is the expectation needs to be doable and clearly described.  Does everyone know what is required and have the ability, personal knowledge and skills to do it?  Do they have a supportive system and environment?  Do they have the required resources?

When any of these are not fulfilled then ‘Forgive and EMPOWER’ by enhancing the system, providing the resources and develop the required knowledge and skills.

Finally is the expectation really agreed upon?   Is it necessary to negotiate or renegotiate the agreement or adjust the expectation so all parties really agree. Full agreement empowers individuals’ to live up to agreements and expectations.

In the case of hierarchical relationship its important to fulfil and then go beyond these steps.  It is important to be aware and remember those who are in positions of power are responsible for the wellbeing and development of those in their care.  Yes in their care.

If you are in a position of power it is not simply a matter of saying ‘do this because I say so’.  It is a requirement that you enable those you have a position of power over, those who you are responsible for, are able to do the tasks that they are required to do whilst maintaining their wellbeing.  Occupational Health and Safety Laws so say!   You are responsible for their safety and wellbeing.

If you are in a position of power you are responsibility for ensuring those under your command are able to do the required tasks.   This means: clarity of expectations, the tasks and timelines; provision of the required resources, including systems, materials and time; and development of required knowledge and skills; training.  This is a foundational responsibility of positional power roles, whether as a parent, supervisor, manager or CEO.  This means when transgressions occur the person with greater positional power needs to ‘Forgive and EMPOWER!  Not forgive and forget.

Start by considering the reason for the transgression.  Is it due to lack of ability, inadequate system support, inadequate resources, knowledge or silks, or perhaps a combination?

The person(s) with lessor power have the responsibility to ‘Forgive and Learn’, to EMPOWER themselves.

Finally it is also important to consider the possibility of a mismatch?  That is if an individual doesn’t match the requirements of the role and appropriate development is not realistic.  In which case adjusting the team, partnership, maybe the most appropriate alternative.

In short when a transgression has occurred take into account the type of relationship and roles and responsibilities within the relationship.  Consider the ability to meet the expectation and empower to enhance the ability to meet it where possible.  In this way to ‘Forgive and EMPOWER’ promotes growth and increased satisfaction within relationships.  Rather than continued transgression, with possible escalation, that commonly results from forgive and forget.

Distinguishing Challenging, Difficult and Toxic Conversations!

Reading about ‘difficult’ conversations or people can be quite confusing.  This is because the term is used too broadly.  By that I mean the topic covers a broad range of conversation types.  I break difficult conversation into four distinct types.  It is important to distinguish them, as they require different communication and self-protection strategies in order to have effective communication.

The first type is what I refer to as the ‘Challenging Conversation’.  I bet you have had a few of these.  This is when you, or the other, are emotionally aroused, specifically to the point where you can no longer think effectively.   You know that time your emotions got the better of you and well, quite frankly it didn’t turn out too good.   After all you are usually a really caring and considerate person, but in this case…   The two key characteristics of challenging conversations are emotional overload and infrequency. That is, the upset person is usually cooperative and considerate.

The second is when this this type of reaction and other uncooperative communication strategies have become habitual.  At some level you care, but well these techniques, for one reason or another, work and you don’t have a better way to achieve your intention. Such techniques include carrying on, intimidating, asserting your right, manipulating or some other means of control.  Alternatively it might be that you are just too tired or stressed out to do anything else.

On the other hand perhaps you are trying to figure out how to have decent conversation with someone like this and are getting nowhere.  In some way it is accepted that ‘power over’ conversations are, well, the ‘way it is’ even if we don’t like it.  Or perhaps you don’t even realise this is what is going on.  This is what I call the ‘Difficult Conversation’ habitually it ‘sort of works’, short term anyway.   However it would be nice if there was a better way.

Finally we come to the ‘Toxic Conversations’.  I break ‘Toxic Conversations’ into two groups.   One group has accepted the use of ‘power over’ or ‘controlling’ conversations as the best way to be.  This group has decided to use power over communication, whether consciously or not.  This is different to ‘Difficult Conversations’; where it is habitual practice, however change is a possibility.  There is openness to improving communication skills.  In the ‘Toxic Conversation’ that is not the case the ‘power over’ and ‘controlling’ communication strategies are accepted as ‘best practice’.

The second type of ‘Toxic Conversation’ is with people who are biologically quite different; there was no real choice or decision on their part.  They are just that way.  They don’t care about anything but their own satisfaction.

It is really important to recognise the different conversation types, as you need to use very different communication and self-protection strategies for each type.  If you use the wrong strategy it can cause more harm than good.  And this is happening all too frequently, as many individuals’ aren’t aware of the different communication styles.  Let alone how to distinguish them.

Note I consider it important to use the word ‘conversation’, rather than ‘people’, in our day-to-day life.  This is because as we are usually so poorly taught cooperative and constructive communication skills we often find foundational conversations ‘difficult’.  I refer to discussing certain ‘topics’, differences of opinions and perspectives, providing feedback and accountability conversations.  These types of conversations are not difficult within and of themselves, once we have the skills.  This means there is a potential that a ‘conversation’ is ‘difficult’ related to our skills rather than the ‘other’. Worse if we decide it is ‘them’ we feel justified in doing nothing; we can blame ‘them’. This doesn’t help.  Change is within our own hands.

As a consequence while it is important to learn to make the distinctions between the types of difficult conversations it is also important to maintain personal responsibility and empowerment.   Thus for starters I recommend one learn

  • To distinguish between cooperative and controlling communication strategies.
  • Get comfortable with all your emotions so you can recognise emotional overload from a controlling strategy.
  • To consider if you are the ‘difficult’ individual in the conversation.
  • Consider what your current communication skill level is and more specifically are you operating within it?
  • To extract yourself from any conversation that YOU are finding ‘difficult’ in order to consider what YOU want to achieve in the conversation, if indeed you want to have it.
  • To select your environment and the people you spend your time with.

I will address each of these points in future articles.

Responding to accusations of being a Bully!

The 10th of October is Mental Health Day!

Thus now is an ideal time to consider the issue of bullying.

Anti-bullying campaigns are everywhere these days.  And rightly so!  Bullying has a significant negative impact on mental health and numerous other aspects of life. However the anti-bullying programs appear to be lacking in effectiveness, as bullying is still a major issue for our society.

Part of this relates to issues around the commonly used definition of bullying which makes it relatively easy for ‘bullies’ to get away with their actions.  I suspect the intention behind the issues is to protect people from inaccurately being accused.  It is more effective to discuss what you can do when accused of being a ‘bully’ and you genuinely are not one?

The Australian Human Rights Commission (2017) states:

‘Bullying is when people repeatedly and intentionally use words or actions against someone or a group of people to cause distress and risk to their wellbeing.  These actions are usually done by people who have more influence or power over someone else, or who want to make someone else fell less powerful or helpless.’

The major issue with the definition when it states to intentionally…cause distress and risk to their wellbeing.  This is purely because individuals say  ‘I didn’t intend to distress them or risk their wellbeing’  ‘I did not intent to bully’.

As a result, too often, they get away with inappropriate behavior.  Individuals involve rarely intend to be a ‘bully’.  They don’t want the label.  And often there is no intent to ‘do harm or risk wellbeing’, simply because the idea may not have cross their minds. They are not thinking about the other at all.

What they are thinking of and do intend is to ‘have their own way’.  The do intend to use fear to gain control over others.  They do intend to use their, actual or perceived, position of power to ensure what they want is achieved.  They may intend to ‘get back’ at the perceived injustice that someone ‘would not go along with their wishes’ or ‘made them look bad’, for having done a perceived wrong.  These are the intentions of a ‘bully’.  These intentions result in the intimidating and coercive behaviors that cause the distress and risk to wellbeing.

Another, more useful, definition of Bullying is:

‘the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behaviour is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict (Juvonen, J. Graham, S., 2014).

Fully fledged bullies, while denying they are bullies, know they are doing the wrong thing.  Their timing and sneakiness indicates this.  They behave differently in front of others, especially those they perceive as having more power than themselves.  They hide and actively deny their actions.   Yet they believe they have the right to do as they do.

At the same time it does happen that people feel they are being bullied, treated inappropriately, when it is genuinely not intended.   Yet regardless of the intention when it is experienced as bullying the same negative impact can occur and it is important to deal constructively with the incident.  These situations maybe because:

The accused has poor relationship or communication skills or

The target’s individual perspective

Resulting in misunderstandings.

This reality highlights the need to remember that ‘Bullying usually is a relationship issue and thus relationship solutions are recommended’ (National Centre Against Bullying, 2017).  At the same time there is a limit to the potential effectiveness of relationship solutions.

If there is no mutuality in the relationship discussing the issue in the relationship is not likely to work.  Too often it only makes things worse for cooperative individuals. Someone who believes they have rights of dominance may ‘go along’ with the ‘orders’ from the higher power, but they are also likely to find another way to achieve their intention.   This escalates rather than resolves the issue.   In such cases further protective action is required on behalf of the ‘other’ or ‘target’.   These situations are not the focus of this article.

Today we look at when there is no intention of bullying, or harm, or force and there is respectful mutuality in the relationship.  In these situations the way to respond to accusations of bullying is very simple: Listen and then ADDE value.

You need to Listen to the accusation and accept that is the others experience, despite your intention. Respond to their experience.

Apologise this lets the other now you didn’t mean for them to experience what they did. This action also reminds you that you have made a mistake and need to take corrective action, even if it was only to increase awareness of the others perspective.

Demonstrate your good will by reassuring the other. This includes: addressing their concerns; explaining your intention; where appropriate explain the policies and procedures you are following; and ask for and carry out suitable actions to repair the harm. It may take time to build or rebuild trust.

Discuss the situation until both parties are clear and comfortable with the intention of the communication and relationship.

Enhance your skills in order to prevent a similar situation occurring again. It is very important to follow through. Where required, ensure skill development occurs.

If you have been accused of being a ‘bully’ first be honest with yourself, do you think you have the right to dictate to others?  Or perhaps you have a right to ‘get even’?  Do you treat those you perceive as having more power than yourself differently to those who you perceive to have less power than yourself?   If neither of these is the case and your intention is for a mutually respectful relationship, an appropriate response to an accusation of bullying is to Listen and ADDE value.

 

Australian Human Rights Commission NA What is bullying? https://www.humanrights.gov.au/what-bullying-violence-harassment-and-bullying-fact-sheet accessed 8th October 2017

Juvonen, J.; Graham, S. (2014). “Bullying in Schools: The Power of Bullies and the Plight of Victims”. Annual Review of Psychology. Annual Reviews. 65: 159–85. PMID 23937767doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115030.   Via https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

National Centre Against Bullying Definition of Bullying https://www.ncab.org.au/bullying-advice/bullying-for-parents/definition-of-bullying/ accessed 8th October 2017

 

Manners: A better way?

What has happened to manners and being polite?  A question so commonly asked today. We need to be polite!   It was driven into many of us as children.   Say ‘please’ ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’.   It all sounds rather good and nice.  The problem was we were trained to do this.  That is ‘do it’ even when we don’t ‘mean it’.  Worse still he had to accept others insincere politeness and act on it!

Being polite and respectful somehow drifted into social correctness and insincerity. Rather than the appropriate respectful use of the phrases, please, thank you and sorry, the deep meaning of them has been lost.   Consideration of others drifted into self-denial and disrespect or worse.  Little white lies, some call it.  In the name of being kind!

 I don’t see how disrespect and insincerity are ‘good’ or ‘nice’ or ‘kind’. Do you?

‘Please’ a respectful request, to me, has almost become a begging.   Worse I have noticed often there is an element of expectation attached to it. I said ‘please’ so you have to do it. Ouch! What happened to the right to say no.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am all for requesting.  Demanding is not a first choice, it too takes away a right of choice. Y et sometimes, when boundaries are broken, a demand actually becomes appropriate.  I just think I don’t need to beg or expect my fulfilment from one particular source.  If you say no, I can ask someone else.

‘Please’ really is about letting the ‘other’ know they have a choice.   So the phrases:    Could you? Would you? Often seems more fitting to me.

‘Thank you’, an automatic couple of words so often empty and lacking a sense of gratitude.   Come on you know what I mean.   They said ‘thank you’ but was it a genuine appreciation or just empty words?

Appreciation radiates a sense of connection and satisfaction that draws one in, so we can do it all again.  That is what is it about.  We want to make a difference.

 Genuine appreciation and gratitude guides us to use our energy where it makes a difference.

Did you like it?   Did it make a difference for you?  If so, say ‘thank you’ with ‘meaning’ and draw that experience in some more.  Acknowledge what you like.  Say thank you with appreciation, so the source knows it wasn’t wasting its time and energy.  Believe me, you will experience more pleasure this way.

‘Oh sorry’, now I can do it all again.  What!  No that’s not what ‘sorry’ is about!  Yet isn’t that a really common practice today?  ‘I said sorry, what more do you want?’

Well actually I don’t like it, so I don’t want it.   I want to experience something different.

A genuine ‘sorry’ is about recognising an inappropriate action and correcting it.

The words are empty if there is no experiential difference for the ‘other’.  Yet this doesn’t mean you have to change for others, to fit in with them all the time. T he trick is understanding what is important to you and being able to let go of what isn’t.  Being creative enough to find ways to meet everyone’s needs when appropriate.  Sometimes this means looking at our priorities and remembering to let go of ‘others’ so they can grow.

It is unfortunate that being polite, intended as respectfully considerate of others, has become a form of social correctness.   This social correctness is what concerns me.   That is when good manners are token empty gestures or requires us to go along with the social norms and commonplace behaviors that reinforce disconnection and lack of authenticity.

The genuine use of requests, appreciation and appropriate behavior adjustment, along with candid caring communication lead to more fulfilment and life satisfaction.  Yet candid communication maybe portrayed as disrespectful, in reality, I think this claim is a means to prevent growth and maintain questionable social practices.

Learn to speak candidly with respectful kindness, and how to develop relationships where you know the other has your best interests at heart and will support you being your self!  And that you will do the same for them.   Let others know what you appreciate and that you are aware they have a right to say No. 

The Importance of Self-Care

Monday 24th of July is International Self-Care Day.   In honor of the day lets acknowledge the importance of Self-Care and consider how we can enhance our Self-Care skills.  For Self-Care is our first and primary role and responsibility.   It is about honoring our health and wellbeing, as well those around us.

Effective Self-Care is the practice of constructively paying attention to, and fulfilling one’s own needs, so as to nourish and maintain one’s health and wellbeing.

Constructively refers to being effective and respectful, respectful of our self as well as of others.  To be effective and respectful we must be aware of our own needs, be able to distinguish our self from others and recognise that we have separate and often different needs and desires.   We need to believe in our ability to fulfil those needs, while considering others’.  Finally we need the skills to consider varies options, before selecting and actioning the most appropriate way to have the need(s) meet.

As a babe we did not hesitate to let others know our needs until others fulfilled them, or we learnt helplessness.   As we grew we developed skills to fulfill our needs and desires or remained in a space of learnt helplessness and decided we wouldn’t have what we wanted.   Some of us learnt effective Self-Care skills.  We were empowered.   The result being we had the skills for a fulfilling and satisfying life; we experience health, wellbeing, quality relationships, personal success and how to deal with the challenges of life. Unfortunately many of us did not.

Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable,  and you are worth the effort.  Deborah Day

If we have unfulfilled needs they tend to fester and break out.  They may break out as irritation, passive aggressive or outright aggressive behaviors.  These behaviors have damaging effects on our health, wellbeing, relationships, and consequently our life.   As an adult it is our responsibility to develop our Self-Care skills so we can be both self-determined and respectful.   To do this we need the skills of self-awareness, empathy, creativity, negotiation, decision-making, action taking, and accountability.   Learning these skills are Self-Care essentials.

Self-Care means being able to give the best of yourself,  rather than what is left of yourself.   Katie Reed

If you already have many of these skills, in honor of Self-Care Day I suggest you put aside time to consider an act of kindness for your self and your loved one’s and action it as soon as possible.   For kindness is another foundation of Self-Care.

If you are struggling with your personal Self-Care, I recommend giving yourself permission to not only determine but also meet your personal need and desires.   First steps include taking the time to consider what actions make you feel better and which do not.  AND committing to doing more of what helps you feel better.  Start with the simple things.   Perhaps taking time to read a good book, talk with a friend, sitting down to savor a nourishing bowl of fruit salad, or vegetable soup.   Importantly, know you deserve to enjoy your life and that the little things that nourish you are the backbone to doing so.

What action are you taking today to enhance your Self-Care?

How are you celebrating International Self-Care Day?

Other potential resources:

For specific ideas of Self-Care check out: 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul.

Self-Awareness exercises.

The Art of Empathy by Karla McLaren

Crucial Accountability by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and Ron McMillan